“What’s the funniest joke you told in 2020?”

Jokes are wonderful and joyous things that imbue my spirit with mirth. I love hearing jokes, but I regret to inform you that I am certain I told none of them in 2020. Tempting though it is to add drama to my words and claim said lack of levity was due to the nature of the year and all its woes, I am overwhelmed by a greater urge, namely: to tell you the truth. What is the truth? The truth is that I am not much of a joke-teller. So that I might reassure I am not making any attempt to weasel out of putting in the effort of recalling a memory, allow me to offer an anecdote to demonstrate my consistency.

Satanism is a carnal and liberating religion full of all the life-affirming glory imaginable. Anton Szandor LaVey codified it in The Satanic Bible and the same Church of Satan he founded is the only organization to this day that has consistently and with efficiency provided clarity of Satanic thought in response to public inquiry for over 50 years. Applying for active membership in the church means paying a lifetime membership fee and then answering a series of questions demonstrating not only the applicant’s understanding of Satanism but his application of its principles to his life in the pursuit of manifesting his desires. Among the questions in the application is: Tell one of your favorite jokes. Careful not to offer a false impression of myself, I admitted I didn’t have any; the way I made people laugh was through witty retorts, ridiculous turns of phrase, and so on.

The Church of Satan accepted me as an active member in 2016 and I’m grateful for all the times I’ve made my dearest friends laugh during the year that tried (and ultimately failed) to break me.

With care,

~ Grigori

This Wretched Year

Everything about the holidays this year is wrong.

The holiday season begins with my birthday—mid-September—runs through Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and ends abruptly at midnight when New Year’s Day becomes January 2nd. Each day is celebrated according to its traditions and has all the appropriate and unique emotions associated with it. It begins with the joy of pleasures known or unknown and familiar faces and the thrill of new adventures. The holiday ride takes me through thrilling taboos and profound gratitude and the quiet-but-impossibly-pure ecstasy of loving embraces through winter’s sublime chill. How else could it all come to an end but an all-night burst of relief ushering in a fresh start?

“Relief’s a funny word for it,” you say with some confusion. I of course must agree. Relief is the kind of release that comes from escaping the slowly-tightening stranglehold of tension and mounting anxiety. Why, then, does it seem perfectly intuitive to use it in such a positive context? Well, there’s no getting around it: along with the joys and crackling moments of peace by the fireplace and reminders of sincere love and the warming glow of mirth come the stresses of making sure every little thing is in place, of doing the best we can to take everyone into consideration, of pleading silently to no one in particular that those members of the family won’t try to tear each other apart this year. We are tense because we want as many things as possible to go well and we’re afraid they won’t. New Year’s Eve brings along that sweet relief because it almost invariably does go so well. Those few hiccups here and there don’t even matter because the food was just savory enough—maybe just a little bit too sweet, too, but no one was going to complain about food being more to their liking—and the gifts thoughtful enough and the clothes enticing enough for it all to be worth the effort.

Just for a moment, forget all that. Forget the stresses, forget the joys, forget all of it. What I like most about the holidays is the warmth in my chest. I’m a sentimental man and the temptation to focus this warmth on my heart is great, but to do so would be saccharine and dishonest. The gifts and the joviality and the familial intimacy are all so wonderful they make my heart ache and they may well be the cause of that warmth, but the warmth itself is what imbues my holidays with a soft and glorious glow. Enamored though I am of the cold weather, I can withstand winter’s sublime chill only because that warmth is there, allowing the frigid winds to bite at my face but guarding forever against the cold’s callous intrusion into my core

I say again: everything about the holidays this year is wrong. I walk around and feel winter’s cold sting everywhere. Furnaces and fires may make valiant attempts at thawing me, but it is only on the outside I am so affected. My chest is filled with icicles and melancholia and I have not yet discovered any remedy. This wretched year has put my life on hold in ways that not even those favorite films of mine that are overflowing with the Christmas spirit (I’ll let you guess so long as you don’t guess It’s a Wonderful Life) are only coaxing tears from my eyes. While I do have other grievances, they seem petty and almost insignificant in comparison to this. For example, the food has been perfectly tasty even if it is broken up because it was stuck to the pan. That wouldn’t matter if my chest weren’t frozen on the inside, but here the minor frustration is made to feel like an outright disaster.

Is there anything from this wretched year worth salvaging? I dare not speak it, lest it be taken away from me somehow in the week leading up to the new year. I’ll just contemplate and hide away whatever I can find—protect it from this year’s surely-toxic death rattle. In the meantime, I’ll do—no, overdo—what little I can in the hopes that it will burn away some of this frost. Excuse me now while I indulge myself with a tricorne hat and a fur coat and indulge others in the name of Santa Claus.

With care,

~ Grigori